You were asked for epitaphs, broadly interpreted, and in those last epigraphic lines came, pithy or prolix. As well as various competitors’ self-epitaphs, Neil Doherty provided three stanzas for the poet and publisher Felix Dennis and Stuart Blair the same for a cat in ancient Mesopotamia. Tottering Theresa by the Thames and Big Chief Oafishpotus by the Potomac also put in final appearances, as well as more general commemorations of the demise in political circles of Common Sense, Morals and Integrity.
Below, in no particular order, are the ten survivors of judicial scrutiny and sieving, with thanks to all who took part.
Susan Jarvis: An Elegant Atheist's Epitaph
Here rests the sartorial Minnie Finesse
clad in a hint-of-mint-green McQueen dress
with a tangerine trim on the collar and cuff,
and a twinkling tiara with rocks big enough
to purchase a palace on a tropical coast,
and to chink crystal flutes in a pink champagne toast
to heaven on earth with the merriest laughter
(for Minnie dismissed there exists a hereafter).
She set stiff competition in casket couture;
it's not often a coffin claims a frock connoisseur.
But this swanky cadaver has been dealt a cruel blow -
she lies dressed in her best with nowhere to go!
? ? ?
Joanna Bird: Every Cloud . . .
O late computer, faithful electronic brain,
An IT man ran tests and then declared you dead.
Your death, though sad, was absolutely not in vain;
I took the handsome IT expert to my bed.
? ? ?
Patrick Biggs: A Suggestion For My Epitaph
Gloomily-doomily
General Practitioners
Told him the dangers of
Chain-smoking cigs.
As he persisted so
Overindulgently
Here lie the bones of one
Patrick John Biggs.
? ? ?
Bruce McGuffin: Epitaph For A Poetaster
My mark on our planet
Is this block of granite.
? ? ?
Susanna Clayson
I departed this world, fulfilled and contented.
My ticker, though dodgy, was by-passed and stented.
The reason I died, ( a loss much lamented),
Was my get up and go just got up and wented.
? ? ?
Bruce McGuffin: Epitaph For An Apprentice Electrician
"Don't touch" it said.
I did. I'm dead.
? ? ?
Brian Allgar: Epitaph
For Vlad's challenger
He tried.
He failed.
He died
Impaled.
? ? ?
Ken Chester: A Tree Surgeon’s Epitaph
His name is evergreen and shines
Where Wales abuts the Marches.
He specialised in oaks and pines
And raising fallen larches.
? ? ?
Pat D’ Amico: It Wasn’t A Raindrop
When I cash in my chips
All at one time;
On the day that I’ve written
My final rhyme,
Remember these words—
A maternal endeavor—
Cause life is for living
And love lasts forever.
You can carve them in stone
Or read them aloud,
You might even get
A rise from the crowd:
If you mope around
After I’m dead,
I will bend down from Heaven
And spit on your head.
? ? ?
John Cooper: All-purpose epitaph
This then, my friend, is the end,
nothing more nor less.
With just a few words
carved in memoriam,
to take you to your rest.
