In Competition 60 you were invited to supply song, carol or verse for a teetotal vegetarian Christmas. The entries came down heavily on the carnivorous and bibulous side and the herbivorous abstainers hardly got a look in. An Alan Millichip triolet urged us to Put aside your lentils and Quorn/Festivals are a time for meat and Margaret Owen Ruckert only went salad-seeking in order to lose weight to fit into seasonal party dresses. John Wood had Miss Muffet's curds and whey consumption responsible not only for a sagging tuffet but also planetary heating and lack of the usual bird 'n' booze made Steven Kent's life hardly worth living.
With thanks to all who sportingly took part, below in no particular order are the results of the judge's post-Christmas ponderings.
D. A. Prince: Hark The Festive Vegans Sing
Hark the Festive Vegans sing
Glory to our Lentil Ring!
Protein-packed and all-meat free,
Perfect for the family.
Blast its praises to the skies,
Let the joyful trumpets rise,
Make it heard both clear and loud,
Let the season’s winds sound proud,
Hark the Festive Vegans sing
Glory to the Lentil Ring!
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Jane Blanchard: Plus or Minus One
A vegan dinner at their house?
The afternoon of Christmas Day?
Her friends and his, and every spouse?
Here’s my response: No bloody way.
Without a bird? Without some meat?
Not even butter, eggs, or cheese?
Just what am I supposed to eat?
You want us both to go? Oh, please!
You care to share how nutters think?
They’ll serve no booze, no ale, no wine?
Fizzed water is their favorite drink?
Sweet Jesus, doesn’t that sound fine!
You hate to leave me home alone?
How daft do you believe I am?
I’ll throw a party on my own.
I’ll have three beers with crisps and Spam.
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Margaret Owen Ruckert: Turkey with unusual trimmings
A sous chef from humid Australia
says that turkey and pud are a failure
when the air’s like a swamp
but he values the pomp
so he serves vegan meats in regalia!
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Alan Millichip: A Traditionalist
Now meat is seen as original sin
The sauces and stuffings seem a bit thin,
Carving a nut roast is not quite the same
Smells, a reminder that I prefer game,
No fighting for a leg or the parsons nose,
No pigs in a blanket laid out in rows;
Surely this meal would be better by far
Accompanied by a Pinot Noir,
And how can this day be as good as it could
Without any Cognac on my Christmas pud;
As the healthy and righteous march for their cause
I’m minded to think it’s time for a pause.
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Mike Mesterton-Gibbons: No meat, no wine: Noel
Christmas herbivores once used to be
Santa's reindeer, while Christmas TT
Meant the Tannenbaum Tree . . .
But now Christmas means we
Are them both: dinner's meat and wine-free!
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Martin Elster: A Vegan Christmas
“There are ways that your Christmas can come to be festive
with none of that flesh from dead critters,
with Brussels sprouts, quinoa, a buckwheat digestive
or butternut squash with some fritters.
I’ll show you an excellent recipe book
with fare so ambrosial and yummy,
they’ll tickle your tummy!” She gives me a look
like she’s just won a hand of gin rummy.
She comes over. We cook and we eat and canoodle.
We’re married in less than a twinkling.
Each Christmas, tofurkey and, later, some strudel
while faraway sleigh bells keep tinkling.
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I. V. Neversere: Noises Off
Come, landlord, fill that bowl with beans
And nuts, not nut-brown ale,
Plus anti-oxidants, which means
Add broccoli and kale.
Sprouts too, which sometimes cause a groan
Or comments far from sweet,
Yet taste fine when they’re on their own
Unmixed with roasted meat.
Likewise, let’s not forget our roots,
Potato, beet, shallot,
And all the joy of sprinkling croutes
On veg soup from the pot.
Though toasts are fermentation-free
Don’t fear a fun-hiatus
Since sure as five less two makes three
We’ll soon share festive flatus!
