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. .  says of himself, “I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Unfortunately, my impoverished parents didn’t own one, and the doctor diagnosed a case of precocious kleptomania. I never looked back. I stole (some of my competition entries have been shamelessly lifted from Shakespeare and other victims too dead to sue), lied ('You’re really beautiful, and I’m not just saying that to get you into bed') and cheated (I turn to the solution page when I’m stuck on a crossword) my way through life without the faintest compunction.

(… whereas the Editor (M.P.) says, “Brian, your fellow compulsive compers will not be at all sympathetic to this tale of early hardship and adult chicanery. But, through very clenched teeth, some of us might admit to envying (even admiring) your competition record which has deprived us of large amounts of income and kudos over recent years. But, despite this, welcome to Lighten Up Online!" )