‘Filmericks’ seem to have become a major light verse industry judging by the flood that nearly submerged Lupo Towers and recent competitions in Other Places, so it was hard to whittle them down to a manageable number. Scansional and rhyming criteria having been strictly applied, preference tended to go to the less obscure productions.
There were some promising first lines, such as Tracy Davidson’s A spoiled southern belle called O’Hara, Bob McKenty’s That poor washed up pugilist, Rocky!, Judy Koren’s Two sister princesses, much ice, and Chris O’Carroll’s The diverse pas de deux of love’s chances, only the latter not giving a broad hint as to the film in question.
Incidentally, despite his keen interest in natural history the adjudicator was shocked, he tells me, shocked, to discover from one competitor’s entry featuring The Graduate that cougars are . . . not always pumas.
Anyway, here follows, in alphabetical order of surname, the baker's dozen of efforts that made it into the winners’ enclosure, with thanks to all those who entertainingly took part. Please note that although the identity of most of the cinematic distillations are fairly easy to spot, for those who like guessing games or need their memories jogging the titles are not given here, but on the following Competition 59 page.
Melissa Balmain
It’s basically Shakespeare, but later:
An actor who longs to be greater
Wears drag for employment,
Then finds scant enjoyment—
He’s in love with a gal, but can’t date her.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Tracy Davidson
Unemployed, out of work, out of luck
Sheffield men thought they'd earn a quick buck
By copying strippers
In front of their nippers
Making wives and ex-wives clap and cluck.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Judy Koren
A ransom gone wrong, a child dead,
a businessman murdered in bed
on a train stuck in snow:
two more crimes for Poirot
to decipher. The ending's incred!
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Mary McLean
There was a young girl from Panem,
forced to be the fatale-est of femmes.
She took children’s lives
with arrows and hives,
but we didn’t feel sorry for them.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Susan McLean
Mel Gibson, as Hamlet, was glum.
Why not, with Glenn Close as his mum,
with a girlfriend who’s mad
and a ghost for his dad
and a poisonous jab from a scum?
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Allan Millichip
United in terror they cling
Unsure what the future might bring,
The aliens try
But cannot get by,
Flash Gordon routs Merciless Ming.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Chris O’Carroll
One brash clown imitates a reflection,
Nailing it with big-finish perfection,
While Fredonia’s war
With the country next door
Features fruit flung in every direction.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
D. A. Prince
Kicking off with some F***s!, it romps fast
through tangled romances (who’ll last?)
Emotions then broaden—
that poem by Auden—
when Gareth is honourably ‘past’.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Alex Steelsmith
A con who will not be deterred
metaphorically gets the last word,
though in hatching his plan
for defying the Man
he flips him a literal bird.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Michael Swan
If you think that perhaps you have got
a sort of a grasp of the plot,
with its agents and spies
and spiralling lies,
I can tell you right now: you have not.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Michael Swan
The hero goes hither and thither,
the heroine's all of a dither.
Their friend's dead. No, he's not.
He's a crook. Then he's shot.
Note the shadow effects and the zither.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Gail White
A ship and an iceberg will hit,
the lovers will cry “This is it!”
He’ll die as they go
out to sea on a floe,
and you’ll really get bored with Brad Pitt.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
John Wood
Mrs R. tricks young Ben into bed
But he's hot for her daughter instead.
In a triumph of hope
Over angst they elope,
By bus, from the boor she's just wed.
