The US alligator isn't fussy what it eats
It's not a picky gourmet or a purist.
It simply treats as fodder any creature that it meets –
A turtle, or the odd unwary tourist.
The alligator lifestyle's atavistic, it appears.
It doesn't have much time for pride or pomp,
For what's the use of fondue pots or crystal chandeliers
If you happen to be living in a swamp?
In the daytime alligators just hang out and pass the bong
While watching reruns of Miami Vice,
Or they'll listen with nostalgia to a Boxcar Willie song
As they crack another case of Carlsberg Ice.
But when the scaly rednecks leave the Everglades at night
To hit the urban scene in stolen cars,
In Miami and Orlando decent citizens take flight
From wasted reptiles trashing downtown bars.
Although crass and homicidal they're a patriotic breed,
And freedom-loving heroes through and through.
They deliver shock and awe, and should they ever feel the need
They'll be coming to a failed state near you.