There was a large and varied entry for this chance to turn editors, those inscrutably august beings, or demonic trolls, into Aunt Sallies for spurned submitters to shy at and every kind of editorial delay, lapse, oversight or inexplicable quirk of taste was duly targeted. However, Alan Millichip rejected an invitation to take part in a literary competition, concluding that the only option Is stop competing with the bards/There’s money writing birthday cards. Now there's a thought . . .
With thanks to all who had an entertaining fling, below, in no particular order, is what the psychologically bruised and battered adjudicator managed to pick out before retiring to take comfort in the signs of an exceptional crop of wild strawberries this summer.
Mike Mesterton Gibbons: Déjà Bienvenue
Dear Editor, I'm overjoyed to know
You like what I sent in four years ago.
I worried that you'd find my poem dated.
But you have welcomed it, so I'm elated . . .
However, with respect, I disagree
With your acceptance of my threnody
For next month's issue, since –I mean no cheek –
You published it two years ago last week!
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
Julia Griffin: Reverse Acceptance Poem
For you, dear Editor, I’m not enough.
Let me apologize, abjuring lame
Excuses: my submission was mere fluff,
Substandard and sub-versive, also tame.
Ridiculous! I blush to own the same,
Unworthy even of your brief rebuff,
Out-dated “poems” (blemish on the name):
Yesterday’s sort of cringe-inducing stuff.
Kindly discard this proof of mad conceit;
Cast all this correspondence, every trace,
Upon that heap of garbage marked DELETE:
Forget the magnitude of my disgrace.
Obscurity is all I’m asking for.
Goodbye, eternally, dear Editor.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
John Wood: Dear Editor
I thank you for "pencilling in"
My submission - "A Love Song for Lynne"
But I'm now with Colette
(Who is plump and brunette)
So please chuck my poem in the bin.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
Michael Swan: Dear Editor
Dear Editor,
Thank you for your submission.
Your sample issue of Bemuse
has had my full attention.
Some of the poems were interesting:
Grooble's 'Blank Page No 3',
Moroni's 'Seven Ways of Peeling a Carrot',
and Jojo's 'Reverse Sonnet in B flat'.
Sadly, though, Bemuse doesn't quite work for me.
Don't take this as a rejection.
I get far more requests for contributions
than I can satisfy.
Do take a careful look at my work,
study some good-quality journals,
and try me again.
Good luck with your publication.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
Peggy Verrall: Oh Dear, Sir,
You ask me to contribute to your zine named Verse or Worse
Without, it seems, the likelihood of pay.
I’m very busy writing, so I’ll keep my answer terse,
No thank you, no I won’t is what I say.
(However if in future, you opened up your purse
I might answer your request another way)
But for now I’ll merely
Sign off most insincerely,
I’ve more important stuff to do today.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
Jane Blanchard: A Rondeau for a Wretched Editor
The contretemps is yours, not mine,
though hardly reason to resign
since I can think of things far worse
than publication of a verse
withdrawn last June, day twenty-nine.
You never sent a single line,
not to accept nor to decline,
till proofs were ready to disperse;
the contretemps is yours.
At this point, since you must opine
on lost first rights to work so fine,
please note my skill in turning terse,
as yet eschewing threat or curse,
but I can do much more than whine:
the contretemps is yours.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
Judith Green: Rejection in Reverse
They wanted to do edits -
where, then, the total credit due to Me, the writer
several lines now lighter
than my original?
And change this word here and that one
and, by the way, we don’t like your biography
Dear Ed.
You’re entitled to your take on things
(and yes, I meant it when my biog. said
I’ve always wanted wings)
but now it’s time to fly away,
this piece will live another day
in unadulterated glory.
Thank you for flagging up each flaw
but No thanks, I herewith
withdraw.
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣
C. R. Edenhill: The Contributor Regrets . . .
Dear Editor-in-Chief of Blue Sardonyx,
I was delighted you admired my ode,
The theme, the wit, the range, the sizzling sonics,
And praised ‘This precious piece of verbal Spode.’
Sorry, it won’t now grace your publication.
But ravish readers of Apollo’s Blog
Unless the rumour proves without foundation
You plan to print a piece by J. Rees-Mogg!
